*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
You Might Also Like
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES