A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
he chose this
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*