My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.