me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.