Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My what?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end