March 16
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I have so many questions.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Is….Is this an option?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who