How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Somebody’s lying.