Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.