911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird