Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Trumpy Cat
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive