“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.