Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Ummm
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.