*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
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my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.