I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me trying to walk in a dream
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods