Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My dating profile:
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
A ghost story
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180