Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no