DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“our sushi is very fresh”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot