sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Our lord and savoury.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing