if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle