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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?