waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
You Might Also Like
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.