Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*