Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.