3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.