I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
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I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.