How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Go hard or stay average
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Isn’t
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Kids: Stay in school.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?