“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Me trying to reach for my goals
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you