Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
there’s probably a fee though
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Risking my life for fun.