“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.