if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”