My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
📽️movie date🎞️
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.