2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I really had high hopes for this year though
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.