The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never