[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”