Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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estão todos miauvindo?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”