How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Lmao
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
the answer was staring at me all along
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.