8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.