“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?