[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet