robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me: my friends:
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.