Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
the prophecies have been fulfilled
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.