Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”