Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Traveler’s camo
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Going into Monday like
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.