[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.