Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.