Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The Sun
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂