Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
✌️
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.