Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
is it earth
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
☺️
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.