Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.