lmao
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.